It's been quite a month. I put ILWML on the back burner because, let's face it, a girl needs to get better at not letting everything fall through the cracks when she's sad. So let's catch you up and then come back to what is next for my life.
My ex and I had decided that we would take it slow and work towards getting back together. We were frequently talking again, and both of us were on good paths. We were working on ourselves and realizing that we wanted to make things work.
Now let me tell you, perspective and expectations are tricky things. We had planned a date, and my expectations and his expectations were on totally different levels. To keep it simple. I had a reactionary emotion toward what happened or i.e., didn't happen on that date and the events that followed, which led to him shutting me out. Which ultimately led to us officially ending things.
Many conversations were had, many realizations, and many emotions that I wish I could take back. In his words, we don't make each other happy. In my words, I deserve more.
I have come so far in my healing journey. As I would have loved for him to be a part of the present me and not the "healing me," I know that everything happens for a reason. He was just a part of my journey.
This second break-up was harder. The feeling of hope. The wishing that maybe he realized where he needed to step it up. Maybe he realized I needed love a certain way. That I craved a deeper connection and I needed someone to work together with me to get there. That friends are not the main priority. That working on myself comes with all the expectations that he wanted from me as well. That I needed to feel like a team first before I could unlock that level.
It was all good, and then it just got ripped away from me. I didn't see it coming the way I saw the first breakup. It sucked ten times more. BUT the stages of the break-up came faster because I had already shown myself the first time that I could live without him. I had gotten myself to that sweet spot of believing in myself as a whole person.
Now here I am 2 weeks later, starting to feel like me again. The fact that I had any interest in opening my laptop today was a miracle. I am here, and I am getting back into my passion of empowering women because we need it. We need to be there for each other. Who was there when we broke up? My girlfriends. Who reminded me repeatedly that I can get what I deserve in a significant other. With this break-up and other events with my friends, I am reminded of how powerful women are. How much we put up with. How much we need to be there for one another.